Truth is nothing could have prepared me for the task and the responsibilities that have fallen to me. This isn't just the totality of war we’re dealing with anymore.

Lysander wrote in his chronicle that the first casualty of war was innocence. If that's the case then I guess mine died long ago.

I wish it were so simple.

If my innocence were truly dead then I wouldn’t feel regret, wouldn’t feel guilt. Command decisions are always a trade, putting projected losses against anticipated gain. Deciding on what, or who, we can afford to sacrifice in order to save others. Who lives? Who dies?

The only way I can try to describe it to Lee, to try and prepare him, is to say it’s all about commitment; to be prepared to do what has to be done at any given moment. Of course it’s not until you’re in that position that you realise that this ‘commitment’ sometimes means giving away more than you bargained for. Cylons claim they have a soul. They must’ve gotten that idea from us. If we do have one, then at times I wonder how much of mine I have left.

That said, I can’t hide behind the cylon attack and having to be prepared to do whatever it takes in order to protect the fleet and defend humanity as the sole reason for the eager surrender of my innocence. I’ve been making choices my whole life that I knew were wrong on some level, that I knew would hurt someone.

Innocence, virtue. Seems like it only makes itself known when you’ve lost another piece of it.